Bruins Land 7th Pick, Sweeney Lands Somewhere Between a Stroke and a Crisis of Faith
Well folks, the NHL Draft Lottery has come and gone, and boy oh boy—what a magical evening of heartbreak and public humiliation. The Boston Bruins, who were slotted for the 4th overall pick, instead plummeted to the 7th spot like a bag of bricks thrown off the Zakim Bridge.
If you tuned in and saw the stone-faced shell of Don Sweeney during the press conference afterward, you may have found yourself checking his pulse through your TV screen. He looks like he had a stroke and one too many strokes. Whatever spiritual entity runs this league clearly performed some black-magic ping-pong voodoo to summon up that 7th pick, and Sweeney looked like he saw the devil himself rise up through the draft board.
Just the still shots, mind you—of Cassidy in the aftermath looked like textbook images from a neurology textbook titled “How to Identify a Man Who’s Lost All Hope.”
Let’s back up. Earlier this week, Sweeney sat down for what can only be described as the most uncomfortable exit interview since the CIA’s debriefing of Edward Snowden. Alongside him were Cam “You Can’t Fire Me, I Quit” Neely and Charlie “I Swear I Own the Team” Jacobs. That trio radiated the confidence of three men who just realized they left the stove on at home. Their body language was screaming, “We have no idea what we’re doing, but we’re absolutely going to pretend like we do.”
And now? Now the Bruins are staring down the barrel of a two-player draft with the 7th overall pick like it's a CVS receipt that just says "Try again next year."
Let’s be honest—Don Sweeney’s seat isn’t hot, it’s molten lava. If he doesn’t draft like he’s got Wayne Gretzky’s ghost whispering in his ear and pull off a playoff-worthy roster miracle, he’s toast.
So yeah, if someone told me Don Sweeney suffered a mild stroke after that lottery nightmare, I wouldn’t just believe them—I’d nominate the guy for sainthood for not throwing a chair through the draft board.
Here’s hoping the Bruins find a way to turn that unlucky seventh pick into something less embarrassing than... well, this entire year. Otherwise, the front office might want to start polishing up those résumés. Or at least investing in some blood pressure monitors.
